A Trans Namegiving

Because I'm just so sacred :P

Dearest,

It’s Tuesday, and I’m thankful. Yesterday, I started officially telling friends and coworkers that I go by “Stars” now. Well, I’m trying the name out. I feel very weird about it. I like the name, I love being called by what I’ve chosen, but it feels strange to call attention to the poor fit “Sarah” was for me. I like my chosen name so far, but I feel embarrassed, too. I sadly feel like I’m making the social aspects of my transition everyone else’s problem. And then I beat myself up for feeling bad about whatever space I imagine I’m taking up with this new name. It feels very vulnerable to publicly acknowledge my inner world. I don’t regret it at all, but that doesn’t make the shift comfortable in a societal sense. But I’m happy. I feel free. I don’t feel stuck the way I once did. I have some thoughts about my birth name and my new name. I hope you like them.

I never felt like my old name belonged to me. I would of course respond to it, but the two syllable slip-up it ended up being could be heard in a sneeze if you’re programmed to answer to it. That’s based on personal experience! I never really hated my name, honestly. It just never felt like mine. It meant no more than a sound at times. It didn’t sound like my name, it sounded like a trigger for depersonalization (based on, again, personal experience). It just never sounded like me

Five Butterflies [Watercolor on Wove Paper] by Odilon Redon, c. 1912

I told myself that names, like words, didn’t matter. I told myself this lie for years. I would respect anyone else’s name or pronouns as an adult, but language was “made up anyway” when it came to me. Oh, you’re asking about my pronouns? Just call me anything, it doesn’t matter. Dealer’s choice! This flawed logic also applied to my name. I didn’t choose it, but must people don’t choose their names either, so why should I identify with it? My name didn’t need to resonate or feel right because probably everyone felt like their birth names fit them poorly. My name felt like a pair of pink, striped baby socks on grown feet. I didn’t recognize this name as something that was ready to come off. I gripped the knit with my toes and tread carefully, and at times, painfully, just to make this name make sense. At a certain (unexpected) point, my feet cramped too much and I had to let go.

Using my new name felt like a return. It felt like coming home. I feel like I should specify. It wasn’t like returning to my childhood home, which looks to be infested with demons and bad memories in its best light. It felt like coming back to a home I had built for myself with a clear mind and a good heart. It is a home that’s close to the spirits who have my back. It feels, soft, warm, and familiar in the best way. I feel like I can be more myself in this home. I’m not confined to the pink bedroom in the back of the house for safety or convenience. Now I have a whole house to live in. I don’t have to cower. I don’t have to pretend. Most importantly, I don’t have to hide, and that’s the most incredible feeling.

Like I said at the start of this letter, I’m thankful. There were so many barriers to feeling safe enough in the places I’ve lived and the body I animate to express the desire for transition. I consider myself lucky. Even now, there are growing barriers to safety for many trans individuals, especially children. I hesitate to ask my doctor about testosterone because I know it would make me more visible, and I hate that I have to consider how a hostile political climate will consider me. That said, I feel the most loved and supported I have ever felt. My community uplifts me and I can’t thank anyone enough for the role they’ve played in my celebration of self, especially my beloved roommate. I feel so safe with them, I trust them so much, and I cherish them endlessly. They inspire me to show up for myself as lovingly as they show up for me. So yeah, I go by “Stars,” and it’s great to reintroduce myself.

- Stars

P.S. What a time to be!